“I’ve always believed there was a real North-South divide in terms of how governments/ policymakers/the media etc view the country. My theory was confirmed this morning listening to BBC R4 news at 7 am. The weatherman’s voice was serious – big change coming in the weather – rain – stormy conditions – end of the world as we know it. It was an apocalyptic vision that needed to be turned into a film with Tom Cruise and his daughter trying to escape floods, war, death and pestilence.
“Turns out he was talking about that part of these islands that lies beneath a line drawn from Milton Keynes to Kings Lynn.
“When it came to the Norf he threw a cursory few words along the lines of ” In the North there will be a little cloud but it will be quite warm except in Aberdeen where onshore breezes will make it cooler.”
“Well bollox to you weatherman and all within the M25 corridor particularly those shysters in Westminster. The sun is hammering down here in the Dales, the birds are singing, house prices are half what they are down there, the people are friendlier, the children more bright eyed, we have music and song and good beer and pies and our dads can fight your dads – so go and have intercourse with yourselves. I am going to write a song called There’s Nowt Wrong Wi’ Reet Folk and it will become the national anthem of the new country of Northland of which Allan Bennett will be president. We will declare UDI and go the way of Scotland and leave the South to the Russian oligarchs and Chinese developers the Tories and their cronies are selling it to (eg the new Chinese built monster hotel on the banks of the Thames.)
The border will be closing at midnight GMT (or whenever the pubs shut) this Friday so all those wishing to live in God’s Own Country had better get their skates on.
There – I feel better now – bloody weathermen – don’t they just get on your tit ends! I’m off the give the whippet its morning pie.

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